Bear Meets Car

So I'm out in the forest, and last night I forgot to lock my car, which was full of stuff from a recent move. This morning I walked outside to find that a bear had broken in and scattered six boxes of my stuff across the road. So. This was coming at the tail end of a crazy week and I was feeling pretty raw and over-extended already. In the past, my thoughts would have run something like:

- Why, God? I'm at the end of my rope. I just can't do this anymore

- Why don't they have signs up about locking your car? They should warn people

- Why didn't I lock my f*cking car, how hard is that to remember? You're just too stupid and broken to function in life.

But I didn't think any of those things. Instead, standing in the driveway, I did the following:

- I assessed the actual reality, not the emotional reality (a bear has broken into my car. That's unfortunate, but it is not the actual end of the world).

- I immediately reframed (this looks bad, but I can deal with this, it's a good learning experience).

- I took responsibility (this is a clear and natural consequence of forgetting to lock my car)

- I made meaning out of it (this is a good reminder to be more conscientious)

- I saw the bright side (the bear mostly went for the food, which is all replaceable. Everything else can be cleaned and repaired. It could have been way worse).

And, here's the really important point, and why it stuck out to me so strongly: I did this all automatically, in a split second, without consciously trying to and without ever practicing those specific skills

Why is that so important? Because if you try to do these things by themselves when you’re already upset (reframing, making meaning, taking responsibility, seeing the bright side, etc), you might find that they are really, really difficult. Not impossible, just a really big lift. And if you've experienced severe or chronic trauma in your life, it might be a bigger lift than you can reliably do, because of the way your body and mind have been wired by experience.

Mainstream psychology is dominated by the Cognitive-Behavioral model which focuses on changing our conscious thoughts (cognitions) and our observable behavior. But too often these interventions only affect the surface, they don't address the problem at the root. (For more on that check out my post Why the Mind-Body Connection is Like Weekend Traffic).

There is a lot of research behind CBT, but if you dig into it, you'll find that up to one-third of subjects frequently drop out of these studies and are not counted in the results. Many clinicians and researchers have noted that the people who are dropping out are usually the people who need help the most. Instead of interrogating why these methods aren't working for the people who need help the most, people who don't respond are labeled "treatment-resistant."

The good news is that our body is built to process and resolve trauma and our mind is built to reframe and make the best of difficult situations. All we need to do is 1) understand the relationship between the self, mind and body and 2) on that basis, learn how to regulate our physiology to set our mind and body up for success -- it's not easy, but it's do-able for everyone. There are concrete, practical steps any person can take to build a foundation of long-term resilience.

So, back to the story: I cleaned everything up in about 20 minutes. By the time I was done, I was chuckling at the things the bear had clearly prioritized and thinking how happy he must have been to find a large container of butter (to my responsible nature lovers out there - I know it's bad for bears to learn to associate humans with food, but it happened and I'm happy they got a treat). Walking away from the mess, I felt genuinely happy that the day started with a strong prompt to practice what I preach.

It didn't take a massive mental effort to reframe and see the bright side. I wasn't trying to cover up shitty feelings with positive thoughts. I really felt okay about it, because I’ve spent fifteen years cultivating witness consciousness, so my wellbeing doesn’t hinge on circumstances, and I’ve worked to regulate my physiology. The way I felt dictated my conscious response and created an upward spiral so that I started by feeling okay about a less-than-ideal situation and ended up feeling great about the opportunity to arrive at a deeper understanding.

The point of this story is not that I'm so skilled at positive thinking. The point of this story is I have been, in my life, so alone, so desperate, so overwhelmed by grief and fear and terror and negativity and yet -- I found baby steps out of that mentality not by arguing with my thoughts, but by interrogating my foundational assumptions about who I am and why I'm here, and making an effort to systematically update the software that's running my mind and body to bring it in line with the reality of who I am. And the point of this story is -- you can do this too.  

Click here to schedule a free 15 minute clarity call to find out how!