Growth is a spiral, it always starts small

When I first started wrapping my head around what it would take to overcome the massive waves of panic and anxiety that were flooding me, I took inventory of all the things I thought should help:

Can I go for a run? No.
How about getting on your mat to do yoga? Nope.
Let's try deep breathing then? Nothing doing.

It's hard to describe the feeling of "I just can't" unless you've lived through it. It's not just a thought in your mind. It's a full body certainty. It's a massive, overwhelming "NO" that emanates from your core. It's like hitting a brick wall going 100mph. It feels nonnegotiable.

And to be honest, when I hit that wall, I was confused.

I had done, and overcome, a lot in my life.

I had self-care strategies.

I had a metaphorical toolshed full of tools - why couldn't I use them?

That's when I started getting curious. Ok, so I can't go for a run or get on my mat or even sit here and deep breathe.

Well, what can I do?

I can definitely lie here and stare up at the ceiling, I'm doing really well with that. Ok good.

If I accept where I'm at, maybe I can just notice what it feels like to be lying here, on this very firm mattress.

Maybe I can rest my mind in soothing spiritual sound vibration and remember that I'm an eternal and irrepressible spark of life

Maybe I can find one thing in my field of vision that makes me happy and reminds me of that reality

Maybe I can find one thing I've never noticed before.

Maybe I can notice what's happening in my body, just a little bit.

Maybe I can be curious about what happens when I make these small shifts in my awareness. I don't have to get off this bed. I don't have to go for a run. I don't have to DO anything.

Maybe I can celebrate that.

And that was the first loop in the spiral.


In resilience,
Caitlin